M$ Dictionary 1.0

[Red Squirrel]

http://www.happyhacker.org/humor/dictionary.shtml

Richard Forno (rforno@infowarrior.org)
© 2001 Author. Permission granted to freely reproduce - in whole or in part for noncommercial use - with appropriate credit to author and INFOWARRIOR.ORG.

For his novel "1984" George Orwell developed "Newspeak", a modified English language using ambiguous or deceptive
words, metaphors, or euphemisms to influence public opinion on various matters - a common business practice refined to an
exacting science by news media, marketing companies, and corporate PR departments.

Nowhere is Newspeak more perfected than in the halls of the Microsoft Campus in Redmond, Washington - a place where
legions of well-paid spin-meisters attempt to morph the reality of their company's business, legal, and product information into
innocuous -sounding, politically-correct, calm-inducing statements when released to the public. Naturally, this has a confusing
effect on the general public who is unfamiliar with this particular form of language.

As a public service, this article contains a helpful list of terms used by the company and what, in reality - not Newspeak - such
terms actually mean. It's my hope that such insight - culled from personal experience and the input of technology professionals -
will cut through the Newspeak fog and assist readers in determining for themselves what Microsoft is really saying in its public
statements.

The Microsoft-English Dictionary is organized into four sections: (1) Legal, Marketing, and Internet Community Terms;
(2) Security-Oriented Terms; (3) Product-Related Terms; and (4) Miscellaneous Terms.

KEY: (n) = Noun; (v)=Verb; (colloq)=Colloquial; (pl)=Plural; (adj)=adjective

Feel free to send updates or suggestions regarding this dictionary to rforno@infowarrior.org for possible inclusion in future
editions.

Legal, Marketing, and Internet Community Terms

"Cancer" - (1)(n) - Microsoft metaphor describing Linux and the open source software movement. In reality, the term best describes Microsoft's own products, starting off small and then growing, spreading, and usually having negative effects on its host, often requiring software "doctors" and utilities to restore or recover such problems. Like cancer in the human body, many hosts have been disabled or killed by such organisims. See also "Swap Files" and "Temp Files."

"Consent Decree" - (1)(n) - Court orders requiring a company to behave in a certain manner, usually as part of a court-ordered punishment. (2)(n) - Something akin to a "no-no note" that Microsoft routinely chooses to ignore while proceeding with its overly-aggressive business practices.

"Cross-Platform" - (1)(n) - Industry standard definition for a product that runs on multiple computing environments (See "Platform"). (2)(n) - Microsoft's marketing term used to mean a product that runs on any of Microsoft's 'platforms.' (e.g., Microsoft's Java is 'cross-platform' since it runs on Windows 95, 98, 2000, ME, and XP.)

"Embrace and Extend" -(1)(colloq.) - Microsoft term for accepting community standards and incorporating such standards in its products. (See "Standards").

"Embrace, Extend, Extinguish" -(1)(colloq.) - Internet community parody on Microsoft's proclaimed "Embrace and Extend" philosophy, particularly in light of how the software giant interprets the term 'standards.' (See "Standards" and "Embrace and Extend")

"External Feedback" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's vague public justification for removing the Smart Tags feature from Windows XP. (2)(n) - Several articles and community statements threatening Microsoft with lawsuits over Smart Tags being used to create derivative works from copyrighted material, and for using its monopoly position to influence (read 'dominate' or 'control') web content. (See "Smart Tags")

"Freedom to Innovate" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's attempt to appeal to the patriotic spirit of the consumer and courts, implying that a failure to "innovate" (see "Innovation") threatens software development, competition, world order, the national economy, and may prevent Bill from building the addition to his mansion next year.

"Great" - (1)(n) - Bill Gates' mantra to the media (e.g., "we'll continue to make great products.....through great software.....etc.) Often used repeatedly and annoyingly in speeches.

"Innovation" - (1)(n) - Microsoft euphamism for ideas they have 'borrowed' (stolen) or, in rare cases, actually bought from other companies.

"Open Source" -(1)(n) - A generally-accepted softwar development philosophy (AKA "CopyLeft") where software coded through a community effort, and the software source code is freely viewable and usable by anyone with few restrictions - also serving as a mechanism of providing peer review of software code by the developer community. The result is a community development effort that produces robust and reliable software.
(2)(n) - An industry philosophy of software development that terrifies Microsoft.

"Platform" - (1)(n) - Industry-standard definition referring to a specific computing environment or operating system (e.g., Solaris, BSD, Macintosh, Windows, AIX are different platforms). (2)(n) - Redmond term used to mean any Microsoft-developed operating system.

"Software Piracy" -(1)(n) - The unauthorized copying and distribution of commercial software by large organized crime syndicates that pose a much greater economic problem for Microsoft, not the individual consumer that they claim. (See "Product Activation Technology" and "Heroin Economics.")

"Source Code for Windows" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's Crown Jewels and most prized and guarded intellectual property. Seeing it is the only true way of really learning how stable, secure, or robust Windows is.

"Standards" - (1) (n, pl.) - What Microsoft thinks should be the defined baseline for computing and networking protocols. (2) (n, pl) - Microsoft's inserting of proprietary code into computing technologies previously-agreed to and in active use by the global computing community (e.g., Kerberos, DNS, RTF) and then proclaiming the bastardized product as "standards-based" though not a true "standard" in the eyes of the computing community.

"Viral Software" -(1)(n) - Microsoft metaphor (attempting to play on the negative connotation of the term computer "viruses") for any software not developed or owned by Microsoft, such as anything Linux, BSD, Mac, or Solaris based. (2)(n) - Security community metaphor describing Microsoft products and their propensity for both acting like and spreading real viruses. (See also "Cancer", "Swap Files" and "Temp Files.")

Security-Oriented Terms
"Bug" - (n)(1) - See "Issue"

"Buffer Overflow" - (1)(n) - Security condition present in nearly all Microsoft products caused by the improper or nonexistent limiting of input query buffers.

"Bulls-Eye" -(1)(colloq.) - Often said by security staff conducting network penetration scans when observing the presence of open TCP ports 135, 137, or 139, indicating a Windows system is present.

"Could Allow" - (colloq.) - As Microsoft Security Bulletins read, a reported vulnerability or exploit to a Microsoft product may be a security problem ONLY when exploited by a cracker. Implies that a security problem is not a major concern until the exploit occurs. Example: " Authentication Error in SMTP Service Could Allow Mail Relaying" (01-037). In reality, the problem exists, but in Microsoft's expert judgement, the problem is not a 'problem' until exploited and makes the news. A real world example would be proclaiming that "guns kill people" (a truth, but only if if the gun is handled by a person who either loads it and pulls the trigger or uses it to club someone. By itself, the device is harmless.)

"Issue" - (1)(n) - A feel-good euphamism used by Microsoft referring to a security problem. (e.g., "Microsoft has discovered an issue with......") (2)(n) - Microsoft's implied denial that a problem exists, calling it an "issue" instead of a "problem", "bug", "vulnerability" or "exploit." (In the real world, how many relationships have been broken off due to "issues" versus "problems" with the significant other?)

"Known Issue" - (1)(n) - A feel-good euphamism used by Microsoft referring to a previously-reported problem (See "issue")

"Malformed" - (1)(adj) - Term used by Microsoft to describe a security problem caused by submitting false or modified information to an application, such as a typographic error may direct a user to a different website than what was intended. (2)(adj) - Term used by the security community to describe many Microsoft products.

"Microsoft Security Bulletin" - (1)(n) Release of documentation for a previously-undocumented feature in the named Microsoft Product.

"Secure Microsoft Product" - (1)(n) - Any unopened, uninstalled Microsoft product, preferably still inside its shrink-wrap. (2)(n) - A PC running Microsoft operating systems or software that is not connected to a network or has removable media (e.g., disk drives) installed...that's how Windows NT received it's C2 endorsement from the NSA in the mid-1990s!

"Security" - (1) (n) - Something Microsoft products lack, evidenced by the frequency of reports of major products with vulnerable services enabled by default, or by releasing easily-exploited software products. (2) (noun) - A concept that is a mutually-exclusive to anything Microsoft.

"Security Response Process" - (1) (n) - Method Microsoft uses to react to reported security problems with its products. Runs contrary to industry-accepted standards of proactively preventing problems through secure software design and intense program quality assurance and abuse testing prior to release.

"Vulnerability" - (1)(n) - A reported weakness that facilitates the compromise of a software product or system. (2)(n) - General security community term for any computer running Windows, networked or not.

Product-Related Terms

"Active X" - (1)(n) - Vulnerability-ridden and explotable scripting language for Microsoft internet products. Commonly called "Craptive-X" by the security community.

"Alpha Release" - (1)(n) - Any Microsoft product shipped to a selected number of users who agree to test and look for potential problems, often incorrectly labelled a "beta" release. (See "Beta Release")

"AutoRecover" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's key reasons for upgrading to Office XP, thus officially acknowledging the inherent instability of previous versions of Office and Windows products.

"Beta Release" - (1)(n) - Any shrink-wrapped Microsoft product available for retail purchase or sold to PC manufacturers for inclusion on new PCs. Microsoft has made its fortunes from users who routinely pay (in many, many ways!) for the privilege of testing Microsoft products.

"Beta Testers" -(1)(n, pl) - Software industry term for technical folks who evaluate software prior to its public release or sale. (2)(n, pl) - Anyone using a publicly-released Microsoft product. (See "Beta Release")

"Blue Screen of Death" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's few real innovations. (2)(n) - Cryptic error codes seen by users when a Windows system crashes.

"C#" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's proprietary answer to Sun's truly cross-platform Java language. However, C# is only effective when used on Microsoft 'platforms'. (See "platform" and "cross-platform").

"Clippy" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's attempt to reincarnate Microsoft Bob (see 'Microsoft Bob') as a user's assistant, creating a virtual paperclip notorious for second-guessing Office users with its "It looks like you're writing a letter. Do you want to format for a letter..." annoyances. Resurrected in mid-2001 as a marketing ploy to generate buzz about Office XP's "lack" of such a demon. (2)(n) - Microsoft's assumption that all users are idiots.

"Clip Art" - (1)(n) - A method used to compromise ("hack into") a Microsoft system using seemingly-harmless stock artwork for Microsoft Office products as evidenced by Microsoft Security Bulletin 00-015.

"DOS" (Disk Operating System) - (1)(n) - The decades-old file system that still serves as the underlying base for Windows operating systems. The absence of a C prompt (command line) does not mean that DOS is no longer part of the Windows operating system, only that it is a bit harder to access. (See "Microsoft Windows")

"Easter Eggs" - (1)(n,pl) - Hidden programs and routines placed inside programs by their developers, some of which don't get removed prior to public release.

"Enhancement" -(1)(n) - See "Service Pack" or "Hotfix."

"Hotfix" - (1) (n) - A downloaded file used to fix a small number of major problems. Many Service Packs contain prior hotfixes.

"Internet Explorer" - (1)(n) - According to Microsoft, in light of its ongoing anti-trust court proceedings, a set of "core technologies" (not a 'separate application') necessary for Windows to operate. (2)(n) - According to the security community, a set of "core technologies" (not a 'separate application') that facilitates the compromise ("hacking") of a remote client computer by exploiting the network-centric, vulnerable "core technology" of the operating system. AKA "Internet Exploder". (3)(n) - Constant source of security news.

"Internet Information Server" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's free internet server application marketed as an 'innovative' (See "innovation") part of the evolution of Windows NT and 2000. See also, "Bulls-Eye". (2)(n) - Constant source of security news.

"Knowledge Base" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's best attempt to provide technical information on the inner workings of its products, usually in response to a problem and its fix.

"Legacy" - (1)(adj) - Any existing product that Microsoft wants to stop supporting in order to promote newer ones.

"Microsoft Bob" - (1)(n) - Cutsey mid-90s attempt to dumb down the user interface for the average (and still growing) consumer markets. Died a quick painful death.

"Microsoft.NET." - (1)(n) - Whatever Microsoft thinks it will entail, but definately reliant on a subscription-based business model for internet-based services, provided such services can stay operational.

"Microsoft Hailstorm" - (1)(n) - See .NET.

"Microsoft Outlook" - (1)(n) - Aside from USENET, the world's most prevalent (and efficient) virus distribution package. This includes Exchange Server, Microsoft Outlook, and Microsoft Outlook Express products. Also called "Microsoft Look-Out" by the security community.

"Microsoft Passport" - (1)(n) - Part of Microsoft's new subscription-ware business model, this serves as the central login for Microsoft users as part of .NET and Hailstorm. (2)(n) - Single point of failure.

"Microsoft Windows" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's continual refinement of the decades-old Disk Operating System. (See "Disk Operating System" and "Vulnerability")

"Minimum System Requirements" - (1)(n, pl) - What Microsoft markets as the absolute minimum that a given product can operate on to claim a larger target market for a product. Such specifications correctly states that a product will be functional on such minimal requirements - but implies that a customer will be as productive
as someone with much more computing power. (See "Windows Ready PC") A heartbeat may be a "minimum system requirement" for a human, but an infant can't run a marathon. (See Recommended System Requirements")

"Preview Version" -(1)(n) - See "Alpha Release." Also called "Technical Preview."

"Product Activation Technology" - (1)(n) - Half-baked, easily-bypassed method intended to prevent software piracy of Microsoft products, particularly on the consumer side, such as Windows XP and Office XP. (2)(v) - Invasion and reduction of the consumer's privacy and flexibility while using Microsoft products. (3)(v) - "Raising the Price" on the one-on-one manner of sharing software that helped Microsoft gain its monopoly status. AKA
"Heroin Economics." (See "Heroin Economics")

"Recommended System Requirements" - (1)(n, pl) - In reality, the minimum system configuration necessary for average performance of a given Microsoft product. Doubling this should yield adequate performance by the product. (See "Minimum System Requirements")

"Remote Assistance" - (1)(n) - Feature in Windows XP that allows a remote person to provide troubleshooting assistance by logging onto a user's computer. (2)(n) - Making one of Microsoft's oldest security problems a documented product "feature."

"Scalable" - (1)(n) - Microsoft claim that a given product can grow to support ever-growing user and processing loads, provided such growth is limited to Microsoft expectations and 'platforms.' (See "platform")

"Service Pack" - (1) (n) - Stuff left out of the retail release of a Microsoft product that needs to be added to products already sold and/or in use. (2) (n) - Something that will probably break a customer's existing system during the service pack installation process. (3)(n) - Method used by Microsoft to fix problems in a product which are too widespread to fix with a simple hotfix. (See "Hotfix")

"Smart Tags" - (1)(n) - Failed attempt by Microsoft to once again exert monopolist control, this time over any website's content by creating unauthorized derivative works from copyrighted material, and using its monopoly in the browser and "platform" market to lead web surfers to Microsoft-sponsored and endorsed products, services, and advertisers.

"Subscription-Ware" -(1)(n) - Software such as Windows XP that users pay to use on an annual basis instead of a one-time license. Failure to pay annual subscriptions will render user data and/or Microsoft-based organizations unreachable and unusable until such tribute is paid on an annual basis. (2)(n) - Giving a corporation - software or entertainment industry - control over a user's information and livelihood. (3)(n) - Gross invasion of privacy. (See "UCITA")

"Swap File" - (1)(n) - Method used by Windows to fill up and fragment users disk space.

"Temp Files" - (1)(n) - See "Swap File" above.

"Three-Finger Salute" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's first innovations. (2)(n) - The process used to reboot a computer after a crash - often resulting in Repetitive Strain Injuries for Windows users.

"Undocumented Feature" - (1)(n) - Previously unknown capability of a software product. See "Microsoft Security Bulletin."

"Upgrade" - (1)(v) - Process of introducing new vulnerabilities to the existing customer community. (2)(n) - New versions of software products.

"Visual Basic" - (1)(n) - Microsoft scripting language that facilitates mass exploitation of Microsoft applications (2)(n) - Microsoft-centric version of the Virus Creation Toolkit.

"Visual Vulnerability" - (1)(colloq.) - See "Visual Basic."

"Windows-Compliant PC" - (1)(n) - Computers with ever-growing and often obscene memory, processor, and hard disk requirements for a basic installation of a Microsoft operating system. (2)(n) - Easy target for crackers.

"Windows Droppings" - (1)(n, pl) - Temporary files generated by various Windows applications (and the operating system itself) that accumulate on a Windows hard drive and consume valuable disk space. See "Temp Files."

"Windows Media Player" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's proprietary music player and music format that is being positioned as a pro-Hollywood music player that will give the music industry full control over where and how a Windows user can play audio files and music they have stored on their systems. Intended to replace the "anarchist" and widely-popular MP3 standard for music in favor of a closed, proprietary, privacy-invading, corporate-controlling format.

"Windows NT" - (1)(n) - Corporate operating system produced by Microsoft in the late 1990s. Also referred to as "Needs Tweaking" (due to its many problems) or "Needs Towing" (referring to the incident involving a crashed NT server forcing a Navy vessel to be towed back to port in 1999), "Nice Try", "Neanderthal Technology" (for its DOS roots), "Not There", "Not Tested", and "Not Trustworthy" among many others.

"Zero Administration" -(1)(n) - Marketing fantasy that claims a software package requires next to no dedicated staff to administer or support it. In Microsoft's claims of Zero Administration, something that no Windows product can survive with.

Miscellaneous Terms

"AOL" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's arch-enemy, a large mega-corporation that Microsoft is insanely afraid and jealous of now that the functionality and day-to-day importance of the Windows OS is being threatened by the AOL Client suite of services.

"Borg" - (1)(n, pl) - When used in relation to Microsoft, this term refers to the Star Trek cybernetic villians that would use overwhelming force to assimilate and incorporate lesser beings into their ever-growing Collective.

"Heroin Economics" - Common practice of drug dealers looking to establish a customer base by providing free samples to "hook" users, at which time the dealer raises his prices for his product. Since people are now dependent, they will naturally pay whatever is necessary to obtain the substance. In the software world, for years Microsoft tolerated software piracy (both casual and organized) as its user base expanded and the company became a monopoly on the desktop with millions of "hooked" users and organizations...at which time it raised its prices and plans to force users to pay annual tributes to feed their dependence on Microsoft products and services. (See "Product Activation Technology")

"Mac OS/X" - (1)(n) - Apple's new BSD-based operating system, something that Microsoft is trying to emulate in XP and failing miserably at.

"Microsoft" - (1)(n) - The world's largest software company. (2)(n) - Company found guilty of being a monopoly. (3)(n) - A threat to national and corporate information security and stability. (4)(n) - Inventor and distributor of the most frequently-used, attacked, and exploited software in the world. (5)(n) - Invented the Blue Screen of Death (See "Blue Screen of Death") and Three-Finger Salute (See "Three-Finger Salute").

"Microsoft Tax" - (1)(n) - See "Heroin Economics." (2)(n) - Inability or serious difficulty a computer buyer faces when trying to purchase a computer without a pre-installed Microsoft operating system and suite of products.

"Networking 101" - (1)(n) - Class Microsoft engineers clearly failed when they placed all four corporate DNS servers behind the same router. When the router failed in early 2001, all Microsoft servers, from Passport to Hotmail and Microsoft.Com went off-line. (Ref: "Passport Definiton #2).

"Redmond" - (1)(adj) - Synonymous to "Microsoft" as Microsoft is the largest employer in the city of Redmond in Washington State.

"Satan Conspiracy Theory" (1)(n) - The long-time joke in the computer community that the ASCII value of the Microsoft founder's name (Bill Gates, III) when added together, equals "666".

"Tux" - (1)(n) - The name of the cute penguin that serves as the Linux Mascot and represents many things that Microsoft isn't. (2)(n) - The Sign of The Devil and/or a 'cancer' (see 'Cancer') that Microsoft is fearful of.

"UCITA" - (1)(n) - An emerging commercial law - very anti-consumer - that among other things, gives software vendors the ability to remotely disable user computers for any reason and binds a customer to a license agreement that they cannot see until they open the software, thus violating an agreement thatt they have not had the opportunity to read, examine, and determine whether or not they wish to enter into such an agreement with the software vendor. Software sold as "subscription-ware" is an ideal method to exercise such controls over the customer-victims. Often pronounced "You Cheat-Ah", referring to its anti-consumer language. Microsoft is one of several software companies actively supporting this policy. (See "Subscription-Ware")

"Useful PC" - (1)(n) - Any computer that is unable to run the latest version of Windoze because the processor is not fast enough and is recycled as a much more stable, secure, and robust multi-user system with the installation of Linux. (Thx to CF for this!)

Feel free to send updates or suggestions regarding this dictionary to rforno@infowarrior.org for possible inclusion in future editions.

© 2001 Author. Permission granted to freely reproduce - in whole or in part for noncommercial use - with appropriate credit to author and
INFOWARRIOR.ORG.

Archived topic from Iceteks, old topic ID:559, old post ID:4111

[Chris Vogel]

Archived topic from Iceteks, old topic ID:559, old post ID:4112

[Red Squirrel]

"Useful PC" - (1)(n) - Any computer that is unable to run the latest version of Windoze because the processor is not fast enough and is recycled as a much more stable, secure, and robust multi-user system with the installation of Linux. (Thx to CF for this!)



Archived topic from Iceteks, old topic ID:559, old post ID:4120