Ever wonder to yourself "Was that really IN me?"

Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 9:54 pm

... After taking a dump, and looking at the toilet?

I had a moment like that today. I swear it must of been over 1 foot long. It actually had a portion that was not in the water, then extended all the way to the toilet hole, and I could not see how far in it went. Had it not came out and landed perfectly like that, I would of had serious plumbing issues.

I still can't get over how long that was. Thing is it came out so smoothly, I would have never known it was that big, if I did not look.

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Death · Post by **Death** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 9:55 pm

Red Squirrel wrote:... After taking a dump, and looking at the toilet?

I had a moment like that today. I swear it must of been over 1 foot long. It actually had a portion that was not in the water, then extended all the way to the toilet hole, and I could not see how far in it went. Had it not came out and landed perfectly like that, I would of had serious plumbing issues.

I still can't get over how long that was. Thing is it came out so smoothly, I would have never known it was that big, if I did not look.

lol Ryan you are sick sometimes.

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Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:09 pm

I try.

TBH that makes an awesome restaurant conversation. Especially if there's annoying people around you with kids or something.

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Dollpartz · Post by **Dollpartz** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:33 pm

This is a shit thread.

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Death · Post by **Death** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:52 pm

Red Squirrel wrote:I try.

TBH that makes an awesome restaurant conversation. Especially if there's annoying people around you with kids or something.

Okay there Mr.Creosote

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Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:07 am

Speaking of crappy situations, someone posted this on another forum, I never laughed so hard. It's actually what inspired me to start this thread. :p

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

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d. · Post by d. » Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:30 am

That's great.

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Death · Post by **Death** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:31 am

lol if that story is real then that guy is the most unlucky guy ever.

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Kev6872 · Post by **Kev6872** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:32 am

Red Squirrel wrote: It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire.

funny story, not bad writing either. He sure can paint a picture.

Your story reminds me of one of my favorite sayings. "I'll slap a turd out of you as long as a rake handle".

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Dollpartz · Post by **Dollpartz** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:40 am

lol that is terrible

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onykage · Post by **onykage** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 10:55 am

Red Squirrel wrote:... After taking a dump, and looking at the toilet?

I had a moment like that today. I swear it must of been over 1 foot long. It actually had a portion that was not in the water, then extended all the way to the toilet hole, and I could not see how far in it went. Had it not came out and landed perfectly like that, I would of had serious plumbing issues.

I still can't get over how long that was. Thing is it came out so smoothly, I would have never known it was that big, if I did not look.

Uhh! ... Seriously ?!?

also, the reason the toilet bowl is shaped the way it is, is for situations just like that. And pain during bowel movements is usually linked directly to not having enough fiber in your diet. So obviously Ryan ate an entire damn wicker chair before writing this post.

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Death · Post by **Death** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 11:26 am

onykage wrote:So obviously Ryan ate an entire damn wicker chair before writing this post.

Must have mulched it up and slid it in a baconater.

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Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 1:01 pm

Mmmmm, BAAAAACONAAAAATOOOOR

I want. Now

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onykage · Post by **onykage** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:03 pm

LAWLS!

one baconator coming up sir..

would you like fries with that?

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Death · Post by **Death** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:19 pm

I wouldn't be surprised if he printed it out and ate it.

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ggkthx · Post by **ggkthx** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:00 pm

I wish they'd replace one of those patties with it's weight in bacon.

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Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:00 pm

Death wrote:I wouldn't be surprised if he printed it out and ate it.

That would be awesome. Not only would I get a baconator, but I'd get my daily recommended paper fiber.

That would be an interesting poop, actually. I saw what Christmas ribbon can do to my cat's poop, I wonder what a full page of toner would do to a human's.

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Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:01 pm

ggkthx wrote:I wish they'd replace one of those patties with it's weight in bacon.

*THAT* would be awesomeness! *calls Wendy's customer support to suggest this idea*

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DOCTOR THUNDER · Post by **DOCTOR THUNDER** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:07 pm

ok, true story...

back when I was 18 my gf wanted to try the butsecs. I was all geeked cause there was no chance of getting her pregnant or anything. So we get done, and on the bed is a little turd. It was about the size of a nickel. She looks at it, says "oh! its a turd", picks it up and throws it away. Like that was normal or somn. I dont think she even washed her hands.

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ggkthx · Post by **ggkthx** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:10 pm

That girl sounds like she was no stranger to the assplay.

:

Or e.coli

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dprantl · Post by **dprantl** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:36 pm

I wonder where this guy would rate, probably all of the above:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale

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Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:13 pm

Some more education on types:

Type 1 is really annoying to get. I don't get it often thankfully. You force, and force, and you really hope it's going to be a good one, then it's a few pebbles.

Type 2 is probably the most typical, and usually average as far as difficulty/ease of wiping

Type 4 is a pita to wipe. It smears all over the hair, producing dingleberries, which require to rip hairs out to remove. This is often what I get, though this comes in two formats. It can come harder, and it's actually a dream to pass in it's hard format.

Type 5-7 are usually during sickness. I have dark memories of such passings. C Difficile = suxor. After 3 weeks of not eating it's type 7 all the way, and it's yellow, or in my case, bright green. (Dr recommended I drink gatorade, and it was blue which turns green with stomac acid)

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Death · Post by **Death** » Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:18 pm

Trivia:

Grape Cool-Aid will turn your chocolate hotdogs green

Great for celebrating St.Patrick's day at the local irish pub.

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Colors of Wanker · Post by **Colors of Wanker** » Sat Apr 18, 2009 7:59 pm

So several things in regard to this thread...

As for Squirrel, that dump you took would be called a Mississippi Mud Snake. Most time only their tails are visable poking out of the hole and most people can tell how long a shit is when coming out of our ass, not sure whats wrong with your rectum that you cant feel your turds

....

The story... EEEEWWWWW.

I had a sort of similar situation, my ex (mother of my son) and I when we were still dating stopped by a buddy of mines aprtment to pick him up. We were all inside his place and we get up to leave, my ex leaves the apartment first and my buddy is standing by the door, I feel what feels to me like a nice presurized amount of gas and go to let a monster rip in his living room right before I leave. I hike my leg up and let her rip. What happens next felt like what can only be described as soft serve ice cream being despensed into my pants, but warm and stinky. I imedietly say "ooooooohhhh i think i broke something loose with that one"

I run to his bathroom and finish my poop in his toilet. I get up to wipe and the s.o.b. has no tp, none! .... There is the tiniest amount that stays glued to the roll at the end of it. I peel that off and use what I can. I look around and see some wadded up bunches in his waste can with flecks of facial hair on them and other unidentified crust. I cringe but I have to do what has to be done but still it is not enough. I then take my boxers and fold them over and use them. I throw them under his sink and exit the room and apartment. I take them both back to my house which was our destination and immedietly take a shower...

My ex nor my friend was none the wiser....

Oh and when eating a baconater make sure you got no plans for later...

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Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Sat Apr 18, 2009 8:32 pm

LOL awesome story. Did he ever approach you about the boxers under the sink? LOL

And as for not feeling my own crap, there is so much hair that it never actually contacts my skin, and when it's a smooth one, there is no vibrations passed along the hairs for me to feel as it just slides right out nicely. Love those, especially the ones that are hard as they leave zero residu behind.

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