What do you think of my new poem?

unbreakable · Post by **unbreakable** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:08 am

I wrote this poem not to long ago and everyone likes it, but I don't that much..would you please tell me what you think of it? comment, compliment, or whatever.

Thoughts Inside My Head

I wish someone would take my heart and rip it out of my chest.

I don't want to feel this much pain any longer or I'll go insane.

All my thoughts collide inside my head, which makes me want to cry or wish I was dead.

I have no one here to tell me it will be okay, so all I do is sit in the dark and scream at the ceiling with all these thoughts coming out with every word I say.

Now my mind is a rush of hate, driving me mad, and al I'm saying is God, I miss you I want you here, now, so bad.

Sometimes I want to take a knife and end it all, because I'm tired and sick of feeling like I'm only two inches tall.

Now I cry without a word and these thoughts inside my head still stab me like a razor sharp sword.

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:44975

pmga · Post by **pmga** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:12 am

I like it!

Why don't you like it that much?

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:44976

unbreakable · Post by **unbreakable** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:56 am

I dunno...I guess, for me, it's just not my best peice of work..that and I feel like its missing something...but I dunno what.

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:44979

Bookworm · Post by **Bookworm** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 1:16 pm

It is a rather good poem, in my opinion. It has a good balance of free verse elements and rhyming words. You done a good job of painting the scene with your words. You aren't just ranting your feelings, but we can see you crying in the dark, staring at the ceiling, with your thoughts colliding and rushing.

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:44985

andthebeast13 · Post by **andthebeast13** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 1:59 pm

i think its good
frequently the artist is also the harshest critic
its more than the typical "emo everthing sucks stuff" which is everywhere
Good job

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:44993

unbreakable · Post by **unbreakable** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:33 pm

cool...then I accomplished a goal...when I write I like my readers to be in the scene like they are there with me you know? and I don't think everything in life sucks..some things are good. I want the people who read my stuff to feel what I'm feeling...that is what makes a good work of literature right? Plus I need my practice I'm planning on majoring in journalism when I get into college.

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:44998

Red Squirrel · Post by **Red Squirrel** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 4:08 pm

Yeah pretty good. Just don't let anyone that's suicidle read that.

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45039

unbreakable · Post by **unbreakable** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 7:09 pm

thanx for the advice red

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45041

Minnie · Post by **Minnie** » Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:08 pm

I love reading and writing!! I felt that when I read it. Very good. Thanks for sharing!

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45139

unbreakable · Post by **unbreakable** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 6:48 pm

Thanx minnie!

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45196

unbreakable · Post by **unbreakable** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 6:49 pm

I'm working on a new poem its called "one more day" its mostly based off shane. I love him so much that I'm writing a poem bout' it! haha

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45197

Minnie · Post by **Minnie** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 11:28 pm

unbreakable wrote: I'm working on a new poem its called "one more day" its mostly based off shane. I love him so much that I'm writing a poem bout' it! haha

great, please share if you would like. I would love to read it.

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45202

unbreakable · Post by **unbreakable** » Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:29 pm

will do minnie if you really wanna hear it.

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45209

Minnie · Post by **Minnie** » Tue Jan 24, 2006 5:11 pm

unbreakable wrote: will do minnie if you really wanna hear it.

Yes, don't make me chant your name!

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45220

unbreakable · Post by **unbreakable** » Tue Jan 24, 2006 5:55 pm

haha..well ya gotta wait till its finished first!

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:2623, old post ID:45224