Martha Stewart holiday calandar

[Red Squirrel]

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold,
turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas
message for answering machine.

December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 - Re-paint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for
consideration.

December 7 - Debug Windows 2000

December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. { omg...}

December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house. { }

December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in
case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's
sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange
slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen
engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel
less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented
with homemade potpourri.

December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.

December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend
in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that
country.

January 1 - Write out meaningful resolutions on wall of new jail cell in
decorative calligraphy in a crisp, cotton orange prisoner jumpsuit. At
least the new year will start off with a bright splash of color.

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