Canadian border security concerns
Posted: Wed May 04, 2005 8:53 pm
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified, sparking calls for increased patrols to
stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of Presidunce Shrub
has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill
O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians
crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer
Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer
was cold, exhausted and hungry.
"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get
a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried
installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through,
and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,"
an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a
drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley
cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumours have been circulating about the Shrub
administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals
will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken
to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities
began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen
passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence
Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants
are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the
good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals,
but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa
resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country
need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada, Vice Presidunce Dick Cheney met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps
to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're
going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might
put some endangered species on postage stamps. The Presidunce is
determined to reach out."
Archived topic from Iceteks, old topic ID:3292, old post ID:26631
Canada has intensified, sparking calls for increased patrols to
stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of Presidunce Shrub
has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill
O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians
crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer
Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer
was cold, exhausted and hungry.
"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get
a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried
installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through,
and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,"
an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a
drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley
cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumours have been circulating about the Shrub
administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals
will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken
to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities
began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen
passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence
Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants
are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the
good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals,
but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa
resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country
need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada, Vice Presidunce Dick Cheney met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps
to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're
going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might
put some endangered species on postage stamps. The Presidunce is
determined to reach out."
Archived topic from Iceteks, old topic ID:3292, old post ID:26631
.