Star Trek: The VCR
Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2003 8:36 pm
Stardate <blink>12:00</blink>
Captain Kirk: Captain's log, stardate 7412.6... hello? The red light still isn't going on. Testing, 1-2-3-4. Chekov, it's not recording.
Chekov: I know, Keptin. Perhaps a negative function with the clock-timer.
Uhura: Captain, I'm getting indications of a Klingon presence.
Kirk: Mr. Spock?
Spock: I confirm at least six Imperial Klingon warships, Captain, and heading toward our position at Warp 7.
Kirk: No, the Captain's log. Why won't it record?
Spock: Might I suggest, Captain, that we first remove ourselves to a more secure sector and then address the matter of your log? That would be the...logical approach.
Kirk: There's nothing logical about this instruction manual. Chekov?
Chekov: Keptin?
Kirk: Try this. "With the Rec-On day flashing, press the 5 key."
Chekov: I did already, Keptin. Still negative function.
Sulu: Captain, I'm having difficulty holding course.
Kirk: Shut down engines. Chekov, "Press the number for the day. For Sunday, press the 1 key, for Monday, the 2 key, and so on."
Chekov: Affirmative, Keptin. Still negative function. Perhaps ve should go back to page 15, vere it said to press Rec-Off time and enter two digits for the hour.
Spock: Captain, the Klingons are arming their photon torpedoes.
Kirk: Engineering.
Scotty: Aye, Captain?
Kirk: Mr. Scott, we've got a malfunction in the log. We're going to need full deflector power while we get it fixed.
Scotty: I canna guarantee it, Captain. The systems are overloaded as it is.
Chekov: Keptin, the flashing 12:00 disappeared!
Kirk: Good work, Chekov!
Chekov: Den it came right back.
Kirk: Damn it. Analysis, Mr. Spock.
Spock: It would appear, Captain, that this instruction manual that you and Mr.Chekov have been attempting to decipher was written in Taiwan.
Kirk: Taiwan?
Spock: A small island in the Pacific Rim Sector, formerly inhabited by a determined people who believed that the adductor muscles in giant clams, Tridacna gigas, conferred sexual potency. In the later twentieth century, they became purveyors of early video equipment to what was then the United States. They were able to successfully emasculate the entire U.S. male population by means of impenetrable instruction manuals. It was this that eventually led to the Great Conflict.
Kirk: But this is 7412.6. How did a Taiwanese instruction manual get aboard the Enterprise?
Spock: It is possible that a Taiwanese computer virus was able to infiltrate Star Fleet Instruction Manual Command and subtly alter the books so that not even university-trained humans could understand them.
Kirk: It's diabolical.
Spock: On the contrary, it is perfectly logical. Their strategy was based on an ancient form of Oriental persuasion known as water torture. In this case, instead of water a digital rendering of the hour of twelve o'clock is flashed repeatedly and will not disappear until the unit is correctly programmed.
Kirk: And for that you need a manual you can understand.
Spock: Precisely. Unless...
Kirk: Spit it out, Spock.
Spock: You have Star Log Plus. A small device that permitted the Americans to bypass the instruction manuals and program their units so that they would not end up with six hours of electronic snow instead of "Masterpiece Theater" or, more likely, "American Gladiators."
Kirk: Could you make one these things, Spock?
Spock: It would take more than the one minute and twenty seconds that we have until we are within range of Klingon weapons.
Dr. McCoy: Jim, you know I hate to agree with Spock, but he's right. We've got to get out of here. There are hundreds of people on this ship, young people, with homes and families and futures, and pets-- little hamsters on treadmills, Jim. You can't sacrifice them just because you can't figure out how to program your damn log!
Kirk: I know my responsibilities, Bones. Spock, would it be possible to beam the flashing 12:00 into the Klingons' control panel?
Spock: Theoretically, yes.
Kirk: Do it.
Uhura: Captain, I'm picking up a Klingon transmission.
Kirk: Put it on screen.
Klingons: QI'yaH, majegh!
Kirk: Translation, Spock.
Spock: It appears to have worked, Captain. They are surrendering.
Kirk: Take us home, Mr. Sulu. Mr. Chekov, try pressing the OTR button twice.
Archived topic from Iceteks, old topic ID:1146, old post ID:10093
