The Newfies Take On Osama

[Red Squirrel]

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, down 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!" "Well Archie," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next_door_neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Osama paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Osama asked. "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor." Osama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra_light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!" Osama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser_guided, surface_to_air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "Mr. Laden! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

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