Anything Forums

Because the HOLY HAND GRENADE was in the hold.

"WHAT DO WE DO?!?!" Screamed Mrself.

"Activating emp..." said magic. "FIRING!"

An enourmous blast washed over the machines, killing them instantly. A great cheer arose..


Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:15142

BUMP


Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:15938

And suddenly, the great diet lord Jared descended from the heavens with a 6" sweet onion teriyaki sandwich, and thus spoke to the people of AF.

"Hear me! For this is the word of your diety Jared. And as thy diety, I shall call forth upon this thread a new story! Completely different from the old one, and made fresh your way."

And the people saw his sandwich, and decided it was good, and tried to steal it from the diety Jared. And the lord Jared thus spoke.

"Hey! This is my sandwich. Get yer own!!!"

And he ran back into the heavens like the little wimp he is, carrying with him, his great sandwich.

And as thus the people of AF were still hungry. But Red had an idea...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22405

Just about when he was going to reveal his idea, a hummer ran him over.
Out of the hummer stepped Jerry Falwell, who took out and got on his soap box and proclaimed "Sinners of Anything Forums! You'll do well to listen to me today! For the APOCOLYPSE is near!"
He took a breath and continued...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22424

"I hearby proclaim that the anti-christ is a one of them French Canandians!"

He rallied his falwellites against the canadian menance, as he continued to call this anti-chirst not only a french canadian, but a black jewish muslim hispanic buddhist who was buddies with osama bin laden. But he really pushed the french canadian bit, which angered a great many. THe response was swift and deadly, whcih only seemed to rally the falwellites to their cause, making falwell a martyr. "He's like Jesus now!" spoke one.

This response came from none other than...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22434

William Wallace!

After shooting Mr. Falwell, he scratched himself and started yelling

"'ight, mateys! I've had enough of you right-wing nutters! Get off my lawn!"

Another man in the crowd, MrSelf, inquired "I agree that they're nutters, but isn't shooting them a bit ex..." BLAM. MrSelf was dead.

"Are yoo disagreeing with me, man? Yer dead too! Get off me lawn, argh!"

Everyone started creeping off the lawn, with the exception of...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22436

A gardner named Lou. He wasn't about to let this nonsense keep him from his duty.
One had to actually wonder if people were leaving because they were being ordered to by a madman, or if it was because Lou's tractor mower was just that frightening.
Lou loved riding his mower over the grass. It was peaceful for him. The sound of the motor lulled him to sleep, and before anyone knew what was happening, Lou ran right over a three year old girl with pigtails and a giant sucker.
The sight of flesh ribbons being sent into the air was amazing. The sound was not so good though, and woke Lou right before,..

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22454

Wallace shot him with the shotgun.

"Geez, Lou, yer mowin' over that loiterer spooked me! My bad, my bad! Yearghh, matey."

Lou, achingly, gave the thumbs up, and said "I'm alright. Could you hand me my spleen and some duct tape?"

Meanwhile, over at the local Televangelest cave, several men in a dark corner start planning their revenge towards Wallace...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22456

"The Lord did not intend for William Wallace to live. We must spread the message of the Lord to all people! Especially the military!" shouted the Televangelist leader. "And I'd also like to remind you all about the Cash for Christ phone-a-thon coming up next month. The Lord needs churches, people, and churches don't fund themselves."

The other Televangelists nodded in agreement. One of the brightest among them, a man named Pat Thetic, volunteered to bring the Good Word to the President and head of the U.S. military. He boarded a plane and flew to Washington D.C. As he exited the D.C. airport, Pat head a strange noise and turned around just in time to see...


Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22478

Pat Robertson, with a suitcase full of millions! "Use this ill-gotten money to spread the word, brutha! And by spread, I mean buy lots of illegal guns from immigrants and blow up Wallace!"

Just as Pat Thetic was about to get on the plane, again, he turned around and, to his dismay, saw...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22482

God.

Under his breath Pat Thetic was heard saying "$#@& I am so boned."

God whispered a word into Pat's Ear, and his head asploded in a brilliant display of flying bit of flesh and brain mater. Of course god wasn't worried about the mess as he was wearing a special god version of the stain defender robes, so the guts just rolled right off.

Not so lucky however was innocent bystander...

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William Wallace, who promptly proceeded to shoot God.

Sadly, after killing God, every single christian converged on his position and, er, made him sad.

Elsewhere, that Dapper Swindler Manadren was oggling a lava lamp when...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22499

it exploded. A few shards of glass got stuck in his face, it was rather painful. He wqas ok though, and now he had a couple of cool looking scars, which he proceeded to tell people was from "the old days" when he was a biker punk, but of course, this was all a lie.

Will, uh, made sad by all the christians, ended up in several different body bags as his, uh, sad pieces were scatter accross the earth. Then, Buddha descended upon the christains saying something about will being reincarnated as a dung beetle, and god being reincarnated as... uh... god, And everyone was happy again.

God didnt' exactly like the way things went down though, so he decided to write a new book to base a religion off of, it was called...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22501

"The Runner's Yoga Book" It sold about 20 copies, and god was very sad. He made a Tsunami to cheer himself up.

Sadly, a certain dung beetle was enjoying a nice tropical vacation at the time...

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God was kinda pisssed, being that this certain dung beetle had killed him, so he sent word to have so regular joe step on him. And yelled at Buddha to reincarnate him as a...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22503

60 year old man with hip problems. He placed Wallace on a beach in Thailand, and watched the ensuing hillarity as Wallace flailed in the water as the Tsunami swept him away.

Realizing that he couldn't keep torturing this soul, he asked Budha to reincarnate him as a taxi driver in...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22504

New York City. This way Will could yell and scream all he wanted, yet no one would understand him since to taxi driver in New York speaks english. And Thus God promptly forgot about Will.

Elsewhere in New York, trouble was brewing...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22518

a nice pot of coffee for the visitors he expected any minute. They had just flown in from Mozambique and were very much lookng forward to a raucous weekend of non-stop,..

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22532

karaoke and charades. However, aside from the fun, there was an important purpose to this get together, a meeting of the worlds most evil organization, a meeting of the infamous...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22534

... Organization for the Rightful Domination of Earth by Flying Monkeymen (or ORDEFM). They were trained by the Wicked Witch of the West, who likes to go by WWW, who also invented the internet (with the help of Al Gore), like to play poker, and has some bizarre fetishes, including...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22537

a strange affection for all things green. WWW and Al Gore were hiding in their Secret Castle (which wasn't all that secret because, come on, it's a freakin' castle) plotting the terrible and slightly erotic things they would do with their monkey army, when their steel door was broken down by...

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A giant banana, who then proceeded to sing incessantly somethign about peanut butter and jelly time. Which in turn caused WWW and Gore to...

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Whip out their bananaphones.

This was enough to scare the banana away. Sadly, Al Gore couldn't handle the splendiferous-ness of Bananaphone and his head asploded.

Will decided to go yell in traffic some more, then he went to relax at the somewhat shady...

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22574

Where a brick fell on his head, but it didn't kill him. Buddha was tired of reincarnating him, so he couldn't die for a while. If he did Will would spend a few decades in purgatory simply out of spite.

Unfortunately for will, he did die a few days later ina freak accident. Buddha was quoted as saying, yeah? Well the dumbass should've looked both ways before crossing the street!

Meanwhile, back at ORDEFM headquarters, having lost Gore to head asplosion, the party had calmed down a bit as they cleaned up the mess, but they were still moving ahead with their dastardly plan to...


Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22585

Steal 101 copies of Risk 2210 A.D. from the local Toys R Us!

Gasp!

Fortunately, the local superhero was on to them days ago and broke into their somewhat secret castle.

"Gasp! It's..."

Archived topic from Anythingforums, old topic ID:47, old post ID:22592