Funnies

[Red Squirrel]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, Buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a name.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tire.
So I called him a worse name.
He finished writing the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Hillary in '08'" bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that
I'm retired. It's important at our age.

LOVE THIS ONE
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!

****
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated
immediately.
****
HOW TRUE
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
****
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
****
ALL MEN SHOULD LEARN THIS ONE
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.
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BEST ONE OF ALL
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's
moving!'"
****

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
****

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The
Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the
Rabbi replied, "Take the poison.

Archived topic from Iceteks, old topic ID:3626, old post ID:29501